They say there are points we cross in a relationship from which there’s no going back. Such happenings completely alter the dynamics of everything between the individuals involved. The beauty and pain of it is this – it is not so much the action carried out as it is the choices made which is the defining factor. It is not so much what you did; it is that you did it.
“How could you?” in such instances would really mean “how could you choose to do that, in spite of everything?”
I love to fix things. What makes fixing transitions like this one so impossibly difficult is the indisputable fact that we never really know exactly what the heart of another thinks of us; feels of us; expects of us; and desires of us. What we think we know are merely approximations based on our perception of what the other communicates and what we think we know of them. Approximations.
Think about it. We can be almost certain of what we think we feel for others, as well as the kind of individual we think them to be. Almost. And yet, if we look more closely, even that is an approximation which under extreme conditions unravels; forcing us to view its raw edges of which we would rather be blissfully unaware.
I wish I hadn’t spoken while I was angry. It’s not like I haven’t made efforts to bridle my tongue. It’s just that none of those efforts took ‘instant messaging’ into account. I’ve always written to heal my mind & spirit; to burn emotions I’d rather not express. So while my fingers were flying all over the blackberry’s keypad, no alarm whatsoever was triggered. I knew I was angry, but my subconscious didn’t recognize my typing as talking.
Oh bother! Now I’m rationalizing out an excuse to assuage my feelings of guilt.
There’s only one thing to do – and that’s to get to work at transforming the new relationship into a relationship I desire. I can’t get it back to what it used to be – if the premise is true, I gotta create something new. Itz like courting your wife afresh.